ADVERTORIAL TIME (2004)
Advertorial spot from an unidentified coalition of moneyed
For distribution to local print media.
You’re Canadian. You work hard, and at the end of the day
you want to enjoy the rewards. And what are the rewards?
What you deserve. And what do you deserve? What you’ve got
coming. How do we know? Because we’re in the business of
knowing. We’re tracking your purchasing patterns, viewing
your viewing habits, polling and prodding you — all to
exactly what you’re going to do next.
And who are we? Part of your community. In a sense, we’re
you! So really, it’s just you taking care of you, from the
moment you wake up till the moment you fall asleep. Sweet
You might call us “the system” or some such thing, but why
bother with names? Does a fish know it swims in water? We
just want you to help us help you. Help us work our way
into your media, your places of work, your schools, your
hearts, your minds. Laugh when we want you to laugh, dream
when we want you to dream, fear when we want you to fear.
No need to ask a lot of questions, you’ll only get bummed
Whoa, hang on there, Canada. Watch this hand, not that one.
We’re real-time, in touch, on-side, and on-target. And true
Canadians are with us on the ground floor, where together
we’re going to think outside the box, finding a paradigm
shift we all can live with. Because at the end of the day,
we all want to be on the same page. That’s what we like to
Rise and shine, Canada, it’s
a brand new day. Stretch your arms and rub your eyes. We’ve
cued the sun and brewed the coffee. Is it genetically
modified, you ask? Relax, you haven’t even had a sip yet!
Besides, there’s no way to actually know if it is or isn’t.
Why? Because you wanted it that way. How do we know? Focus
groups, surveys, that sort of thing. You told us that
you’re afraid to find out. So we’re not telling you, just
like you asked. We’re giving what you want, exactly the way
you want it. Drink up.
You say you get a headache following orders, punching the
clock, always running to stand still. You never seem to get
ahead, have enough time to relax, or even get enough sleep.
Relax, we have a pill for all that. And if you don’t like
the side effects, we have a pill for that, too. We want you
to feel good. And in fact, you will feel good if you play
along. At the very least, we’ll ensure it doesn’t hurt too
You say you’re afraid for the future. Don’t worry. We’ve
crunched the numbers, massaged them a bit, and we’re happy
to report you’re firmly in charge of your fate. All you
need to do is vote every few years, and that’s it. What
could be simpler? Democracy takes time, which is the one
thing you can’t afford. But we can –we’re doing the
planning for you right now, for everything from politicians
to pop drinks. We give you the choices, and then let you
make the selections. Rent or own? Regular or unleaded?
Pepsi or Coke? Harper or Martin? So many decisions, Canada.
You don’t always make the best ones, but when you don’t we
always give you the opportunity to try again a few months
later. You’ll get your nation right, we’re banking of it!
Yes, the future looks good. So set your mind at ease, and
prop yourself in front of the television. There’s some
great stuff on tonight, tailored just to fit your personal
consumer profile. We’re working to ensure your cable
package is configured to fit who you are. Who better than
us – or rather, you – to give you the programs you like?
You vote every time you press the remote. You press, and we
respond. Right now we’re pressing your buttons, Canada, and
you hardly even know it. Because you like it that way. No
fanfare, no hoopla. Just all of us quietly working together
for a brand new day.
You’re looking good, Canada. But you’ll be looking even
better after you go under the knife. Relax, it’s not like
it’s an Extreme Makeover. It’s more like a national
nip-and-tuck. Call it a tuckover.
Up and at ‘em, Canada. Your new day is about to begin.