ADVERTORIAL 2.0

Another advertorial spot from an unidentified coalition of interests….

Rise and shine, Canada. It’s a new day. The loony is on the rise, and all your ducks are in a row. Monetarily speaking, you’re no longer eating crow. You’re going for it as a nation!

What’s that? You say you’re worried about the environment? Global warming, environmental toxins and species decline? Relax, everything is under control. We’re ahead of the curve and thinking outside the box. We’re hands-on and hands-free, with an unlimited broadband capacity to provide you with the information you need about the things that matter most. We know you better than you know yourselves. We feel your pain.

Who are we? Part of your community. And how do we know? Because we’re in the business of knowing. We’re in your living room, medicine cabinet, kitchen cupboard, cell phone, car radio, and email account. We’re under the radar and over the top. We have it all mapped out, right down to a fraction of a meter - including your house. (That roof needs work, seriously.) Don’t shoot the messenger - we know where you live.

We’re all about getting to know you better, through surveys, polls, focus groups, psychographics, data-mining, RFID chips, and your Google search topics. We’re good listeners. And you’re telling us you’re afraid to learn the awful truth. So we’re not going to tell you. But don’t ask us to lie, Canada. It’s not going to be that kind of relationship. Were still going to giving it to you straight, just like your fair trade coffee. Drip by drip.

We’re listening about the environment, Canada. You say you want to be greener than Bruce Banner after a dose of gamma rays. We hear you. We’re taking notes, writing down names, and seeing who’s been naughty or nice with their emissions.

We’ve crunched the numbers, and if we push the envelope we’re looking at a quantum leap in sustainability: a totally proactive, win-win situation for all market segments. We’re entering into a mission-critical, strategic alliance with you, Canada. For the planet.

Right at this moment, mutual friends are taking your public hydroelectric facilities out of the black and into the green. Others are bringing hybrid vehicles and ethanol onto the market. It’s what you asked for after we gave you the options. (Who killed the electric car, you ask? We don’t know, but we’ve been assured it was a quick and painless death.)

You can all still party like its 1999, as long as you agree to voluntary emission limits. Gather all your friends into amphibious Stretch Hummers and head to Hawaii, for all we care. All we ask is that you spring for a few seedlings in a tree farm somewhere in the Third World. Leave the cash in a plain brown envelope for our associate Vito and there will be no trouble, Canada.

We’re thinking, 24/7. We’re thinking about supersized hybrid SUVs with all-hemp interiors. We’re thinking about fusion-powered mopeds and genetically-modified temp workers. We’re thinking about nano-fiber, bioluminescent track shoes that leave no ecological footprints. But you’re thinking that’s nuts. You’re stamping your feet, demanding real change rather than consumer frills. Chill, Canada. We have eco-ideas that are so crazy we think they just might work! And that’s not counting the off-the-shelf teleportation bling from Roswell, which we hope to have on the market by 2050. (Jetpacks are slated for 2075.)

You’re going through a “paradigm shift,” Canada. Know what that is? It’s when you put 10 cents in change on your car’s dash, and take a corner fast. Relax, it’s a joke. We’re laughing with you, not at you - but we’re also serious as a heart attack. After all, it’s hard work protecting an entire nation from the papillomavirus and al Qaeda. Of course, we can’t guarantee total success after we outsource the protection work to Vito and other subcontractors.

You say you’re worried about the future. Actually, we figure you should be paralyzed with fear by now. Luckily, pharmaceutical relief is readily available (Ask your doctor for details). But we’re not just about mood-altering drugs. We’re also about you serving you better through more quality time. That includes booze cruises through the Northwest Passage, complete with Styrofoam “ice floes” for any remaining polar bears. Cheers, Canada.

We’re real-time, in-touch, on-target and on-side. Because we care. Because we’re watching you from the moment you wake up to the moment we tuck you into bed, and lull you to sleep with a satellite radio lullaby. Sweet dreams, Canada. Tomorrow’s a brand new green day.

Geoff Olson